Along the Broken Road

Step by Step…

I can’t even begin to describe how overwhelmed I am feeling this week. In the midst of continued grieving and being a hormonal, 8-month-pregnant woman, I am also still figuring out all of the finances and wrapping up things at work before I take maternity leave. It’s a lot for one person. At times, just too much. Even with the amazing support system I have, I still feel so alone. Yes, I have a lot of help from many different people who love and care for me, but none of those people are Ralf. As much as they may try to comfort me or ease my pain, we all know there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that reality. I know it’s as frustrating for them as it is for me.

June 18, 2015 would have marked 11 years of Ralf and I being together- 7 1/2 dating, 3 1/2 married. We essentially grew into adulthood together. I witnessed him become the man that he was, just as he helped mold me into the woman I am today. There were definitely some rough patches along the way, growing pains that come from meeting the love of your life at such a young age, but we never broke up or took time apart. We worked through every struggle and fought for our relationship because we both knew what we had in each other. He was the most important person in my life day in and day out for 11 years.

Now that he is no longer here physically, I almost feel like I don’t know who I am without him, like I don’t know how to function without having him as part of my daily routine. The hardest part in all of this is that I can’t vent to him about how frustrated and overwhelmed I am. He had a way of calming me down and comforting me like no one else. To a certain extent, I have grown accustomed to being alone some nights – his career and shift schedule prepared me for that, ironically- but I no longer have the luxury of receiving an “I love you, sweet dreams” text before I go to sleep. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I swear it feels like I’m going to hear his truck pull into the drive way, the sound of him fumbling for his keys and opening the front door, his fingers stroking the keypad of the alarm system, and his voice calling up from downstairs, “I brought breakfast!” It still doesn’t feel completely real.

It hurts. I know life will go on and I will eventually settle into a new routine without him, but the process will be difficult. That’s not to say that I won’t experience moments of joy along the way, especially once Mason comes. It would be unrealistic to think that I’ll never be happy again. I know I will and I know Ralf wants me to be. But sometimes I just need to sit down and embrace the tears and the pain. Tonight is one of those nights. Just as being courageous does not mean being free of fear, being strong does not mean being free of pain or emotion. Being strong means acknowledging and allowing yourself to feel the way you do, but pushing forward anyway, one step at a time.

42 comments

  1. ani

    Maeghan, I have “known” you for many years now, but now I truly realize how little I knew about the quiet, lovely lady that married my daughter, Gaby’s, brother in law, Ralfie. You, my dear, are an inspiration, You are a teacher, a mentor and an example to so many. The incredible strength that you exhibit in your writings and the ability to share your pain and journey, is healing to you and a lesson to all. How do we survive the broken roads on this journey called life? I believe we will one day find out. Maybe, not in this lifetime, but we will find out. You amaze me. I lift you and Mason up in my daily devotionals to my God, my Savior, Jesus Christ. God bless you. Without a doubt, Ralf is with you. Right next to you.

    Like

  2. Cindy

    Maeghan.

    I can’t imagine what you are going through. Your courage and strength I think is an amazing example to all of us. Being married to a fire fighter myself and the thought of loosing him is a scary reality to me. I have recently lost one of most important person in my life my mother to cancer and the pain is sometimes too much to handle , some days better than others but always missing that daily phone call. It has also brought back the dear that we are here one day and may be not the next, reality I see at work everyday . Don’t know what I would do without my partner or 14 years. I pray for you and Mason everyday. May he grant you the strength and peace you need to continue in the journey you have been assigned.

    Like

  3. Ivan

    I married at a young age too. That marriage ended after about 10 yrs because we couldn’t overcome the changes we both experienced. We simply grew apart, farther & farther everyday. I mention this because even though we tried, that ‘connection’ had evaporated. It happens to the most well intended couples. Unfortunately, it happens often. That is why it is so impressive & commendable that you & Ralf adapted (and fought) through these ‘growing pains’. The fact you made it through to adulthood is a testament to the ‘real’ love you shared. Let’s face it, other couples try too, but they simply don’t share enough ‘common ground’. Every topic becomes quicksand & they get swallowed by their differences. I realize it’s of little consolation now because Ralf is no longer physically present. However, let it reinforce your belief in finding love again. You know what love feels like, you know what it looks like, you know what love entails. Some people never find that bond – not even once. So, you have been blessed already – even though it probably doesn’t feel like you are. I’m not downplaying your pain because believe me my heart aches for you. However, you must reshift your focus to the joys life has already bestowed on you. True love, a baby boy, and the enormous support from a crazy amount of people. These are blessings which are not shared by many. Keep on crying if you ‘feel’ you ‘need’ to (that’s normal), but don’t lose sight of happier times ahead. You will smile, giggle & laugh again (really hard). It’s inevitable. You deserve it.

    Take care & God bless,

    Ivan

    Like

  4. iaperez6793@aol.com

    I married at a young age too. That marriage ended after about 10 yrs because we couldn’t overcome the changes we both experienced. We simply grew apart, farther & farther everyday. I mention this because even though we tried, that ‘connection’ had evaporated. It happens to the most well intended couples. Unfortunately, it happens often. That is why it is so impressive & commendable that you & Ralf adapted (and fought) through these ‘growing pains’. The fact you made it through to adulthood is a testament to the ‘real’ love you shared. Let’s face it, other couples try too, but they simply don’t share enough ‘common ground’. Every topic becomes quicksand & they get swallowed by their differences. I realize it’s of little consolation now because Ralf is no longer physically present. However, let it reinforce your belief in finding love again. You know what love feels like, you know what it looks like, you know what love entails. Some people never find that bond – not even once. So, you have been blessed already – even though it probably doesn’t feel like you are. I’m not downplaying your pain because believe me my heart aches for you. However, you must reshift your focus to the joys life has already bestowed on you. True love, a baby boy, and the enormous support from a crazy amount of people. These are blessings which are not shared by many. Keep on crying if you ‘feel’ you ‘need’ to (that’s normal), but don’t lose sight of happier times ahead. You will smile, giggle & laugh again (really hard). It’s inevitable. You deserve it.

    Take care & God bless,

    Ivan

    Like

  5. believealanis

    What can we say to help you ? nothing , unfortunaly neither of us have experience what you have, but knowing that you have so many people cheering you on is good.. You not alone in this we are hear to help you or to pray for you. God’s words is the best advice we can give you and obvoiously you going forward one step at a time … We are keeping you in our Prayers

    Like

  6. Meaghan,
    I don’t know you but I have been following your posting daily and now your blog. Thank you for sharing your emotions, thoughts….in your grief you are helping and touching so many hearts. I pray that you may find comfort in the most precious gift Ralf left you; your baby Mason. I will keep you in my daily prayers.
    You are a true example of faith and courage.

    Like

  7. Neydis

    Hi Meaghan! Keep pushing forward. I read your blog because we are all going through something and to see your composure it’s amazing to me. And it gives me strength in my own struggles. Time is the only thing that will help you. Ralf will always guide you through although he is not physically here. With Mason’s arrival you will have a piece of him here on earth with you.

    Like

  8. Christy Romero

    Maeghan, You are one amazing young lady. I don’t know you personally, but I know many people that do. You and your family are now part of my daily prayer list. I’m not going to say that I know what you are going through or what you are feeling because I don’t. No one can say that unless they’ve walked in your shoes and even then every person is different and every relationship is different. I can tell by your posts that your relationship with Ralf was beyond special. I know that you know that his spirit lives on, even though that brings little comfort when what you desire is his physical presence. But there will be days when you will feel him very near, when he may visit you in dreams and you will know that he is by your side giving you strength. Keep on writing. As you well know, it’s a great tool to express your inner thoughts, to give voice to your inner feelings and to allow others to help you carry the pain that is within you. I also love to write and at the beginning of the year I started a blog. My writings are mostly spiritual but I would like to share my last post with you with the hope that it brings a smile to your face and joy to your heart:

    http://christysmeditations.blogspot.com/2015/04/a-visit-from-abuelas.html

    I will continue to pray for you and baby Mason. May he bring you the joy and the strength that you need to continue on your journey one step at a time. And never forget that Ralf will be by your side even if you can’t see him. Continue talking to him, he can hear you.

    God bless you and baby Mason.

    Like

  9. Hey Maeghan….I have followed you since this tragedy happened. You are going to have good days and bad days as you go through this grieving process. And sometimes it feels like the grief will never go away, but I promise it will get better. I have read several posts that have suggested that you write a journal to Ralf, which may be very therapeutic, but as I was reading that I thought how amazing it would be to write down your love story (how you met, your dating years, the proposal, funny times you had together, your wedding, ect) for Mason to have as he grows up. A way for him to know his dad. I know when my sister lost her husband she would tell her kids stories about him so they would remember him because they were so young when he died. This might also help you grieve and feel like he is still with you. I will continue to pray for you and Mason. I know that the Lord is carrying you and Mason in His hands as He comforts you. Keep relying on the Lord and He will be your strength….your rock as you continue through this chapter of your life. The best advice I received after my dad died was not to hold in the grief or try to be strong for my mom, but to let it out and experience every emotion so I could heal. Take care and may God bless you everyday. Just keep taking life one day at a time…..one step at a time.
    Love in Christ,
    Renee H.
    California Paramedic

    Like

  10. Sara

    Meghan I don’t know you but you are always in my thoughs. I lost my husband when we were only 31 years old, I am 67 and there is not one day I wish he was here. I still miss him when I have bad days and can’t take it anymore I look at the sky and ask him for help, he is my guardian angel. Pray, talk to him his body is not with you but he is watching over you and Mason. Be strong, your son need you. Good bless you both.

    Like

  11. Jennifer Finelli

    I know exactly what you are going through Meaghan I just lost my fiancé 2 weeks ago and I can’t even cope through the pain. I miss him so much and I don’t know how I’ll ever get through this. I just was telling my fiancé about you and your husband and how bad I felt about what happened and 6 days later he passed away. I don’t understand why God does such things but I know there’s a reason for everything. My fiancé was the love of my life and I was planning our wedding. I choose my wedding dress and our wedding date. We had so many plans and so much to live for. He was the same age as your husband. I lost everything and everyday I wake up with this pain and I don’t know how I’ll ever get through this but the signs he’s sending me is really helping me. So always watch out for the signs. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here for you. I’m so sorry for your loss. God bless you Meaghan

    Like

  12. With lots of love

    Maeghan,
    My best friend went through something similar, her one and only true love she had been with most of her life passed away from cancer. It has been quite a journey for her, but I promise you.. you will get through this and stronger/happier than ever. My friend really became in tune with her surroundings, once she slowed down she truly started to see signs from him everywhere she spoke to him daily (she could hear what he would respond). She felt closer to him than ever bc it was like their little secret, their own little world no one else knew about. I hope you find comfort in this Maeghan, he is with you and Mason you just in time will learn this new way of having him in your life. It’s been 5 yrs for my friend, and she has since found true love.. someone we all believe was sent to her from her angel who she still carries with her everywhere. He’s a kind, understanding, loving man who understands what she’s been through and in many weird ways has many similarities to her angel that we gradually began to notice. Look around you, he’s right there with you. Let him in, and take him with you where ever you may go. It’ll feel like if you two will become one, when you’re in a crowded place and you see something you two would have laughed at truly listen and you’ll hear him whispering a joke in your ear. When you rub your belly to feel Mason, know his hand is over yours. He’s with you sweetie, take a big breath and exhale, let him soothe your heart with peace. Let him in, don’t be afraid everything will soon be okay. Xo

    Like

  13. Diana Cardona

    I can almost see the tears in your words and my heart aches with yours. Grief is something we can’t get past but must go through. You are stronger than you feel. The power and strength of the Holy Spirit intercedes for your when there are no words and Ralf’s love will keep you together even when you fall apart. Think of you daily and pray for you both. Sending love you way from a stranger whose grown to love you. . .💖

    Like

  14. Maddie

    Maegan,
    Circles are infinite…you and your family have been in my daily prayers since I heard about all that you have been going through. I want you to know what an amazing gift you have; your words and your ability to share them with the world proves how big your circle truly is….
    Many blessings to you and your little Mason

    Like

  15. rosario blanco

    God grant me Serenity to accept the things I can not change Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Its hard but you will find the light. God bless.

    Like

  16. Marie Garcia

    Maegan, allow yourself to feel the different emotions. They are all normal! A priest once taught me to pray to a lost loved one. It is different than praying for them. You now have an extra guardian angel that can hear and answer your prayers. I love you! Your old teacher, Mrs. Marie Garcia from St. Kevin

    Like

  17. ana suarez

    Very moved by your words, I too am a widow, even though I was married for twenty eight years, sometimes I do feel his presence around me, and seeing places and things remind me of him. I do not know you but you are a wonderful and courageous person, cannot wait for your son to be in your arms.

    Like

  18. Mara

    I know exactly where we are and how you feel, I had the same feeling when I walked out of the hospital the day I lost my little girl to Leukemia. I had to take a step at a time and one day at a time, the only thing that consoled me was my 10 month baby boy who I had to continue to live for, today he is 28 years old and the love of my life!! Mason will give you that strength and joy missing in your life right now. I continue to pray for you and your family, God Bless You

    Like

  19. Yvette

    As I read your post Maeghan, I hurt because I know all too well the feeling of emptiness loosing a spouse leaves behind. However, I also know that with time, the pain will be less, you’ll have more days of laughter than tears. I’m so sorry for what you are going through, the loss, the pain, the questions. the uncertainty, the frustrations, anger and at times, the desire of solitude to be able to simply mourn. You my dear, are very courageous. At those moments, when your tears are flowing so heavily that you think your heart may stop, always remember that our God will give you beauty for ashes.
    ‘To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified’. – Isaiah 61:3

    -XO to you and your precious baby boy.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Maeghan, I don’t know you personally, but I been following your story………….is funny, I was telling my daughter about you and Ralf this morning………how true love really exist and how unfair life sometimes is………you are in my family’s prayers every night and I hope that with time your pain is less and less, and I know that it will never go away but I guess as human we learn how to live with it…………..you are a very courageous human being……..

    Like

  21. I don’t know you, my hubby is a firefighter and knew Ralf. This morning, as every morning, when I wake up I check on your fb/blog just to see how youre doing…I stayed in bed a little longer crying. I’m so sorry your going through this Maeghan, as another person wrote no words…
    I would still tell Ralf how you feel, two souls that are in such communion do not cease because our bodies cease. You may even feel him giving you some answers.
    we love you and Mason.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Lori Landau

    You don’t know me at all (I’m a friend of your Uncle’s friend), but I hear you. I HEAR YOU. And I am sending you SO much strength, compassion and care. As a mom, I have particular feelings of compassion for what you are being asked to go through. I want to help if I can. Do you need anything to help you get through the birth and the days with a newborn? I will help if I can. Hang tough.

    Like

  23. Laura Orovio

    Oh Meaghan…….. The more I read your posts, the more I relate your relationship to mine and I can’t help to feel this crusing pain in my chest. I cannot even imagine what your day a day is like. My husband and I have too grown together into who we are today. We have been together since we were 16. This month its our wedding anniversary (we got married on the same day we became “boyfriend and girlfriend”) 15 years together, 9 years married and not a day a apart. I cannot imagine my life without him. I have to say that I have tried not to read all of your posts because your circumstances have affected me in a way that I cannot describe. I am moved by your strength and faith. Know that your words are teaching us all a life lesson. I pray for you every single day. I pray that with time, you can think of Ralf and not feel the pain you are feeling now. I also pray that your son can ease the pain. Thank you for sharing. Daily prayers and positive energy going your way.

    Laura

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Danielle

    We don’t know each other but your story has touched me. Being a new mother myself, I can identify with all the emotions and hormones that come with being 8 months. However, I can not even begin to imagine adding the grief you’re dealing with on a daily basis. You are strong, courageous and have become an inspiration to so many people whom you will probably never meet. Know that your husband will always be with you and when you look into your little boy’s eyes for the first time you will see him there. You will see him there on that day and every day thereafter. May you find comfort in those eyes. Peace and love be with you always.

    Like

  25. Sylvia

    Praying for you. I cannot imagine the pain-However-as a mother I can tell you that you develop courage and strength instantaneously when that baby is put in your arms and it will fill you with a joy that only your own child can. Although it will be one of the most bittersweet days of your life-you should have faith in knowing that It will be the most rewarding gift of all-and in him will be Ralf-forever!

    Like

  26. Julie

    Hi Maeghan, I always follow you because your story has impacted me so much being that I’m also married to a firefighter. I talk about your story to my family and co workers and I’m always checking your blog, this weekend I was at the movie theater and your dad was behind me telling the story of you to another couple, I was in shock when I found out he was your dad. Right away I turned around and started talking to me and told him how I follow your blog . I just thought it was a sign that I met your dad because I talk so much about you! You and Mason are always in my prayers! May god protect you always! And when you see your dad say hello from me ( the blonde girl at the movie theater) he was just as humble and nice as you seem!

    Like

  27. Missy Hernandez

    There’s no words of comfort that can soothe your heartbreak. But I’m still praying for you to find peace.

    This may sound weird but have you thought about writing directly to Ralf in a private journal? I think it might help you connect with his voice that you knew so well and his spirit that you were so connected to. It sounds like he’s the only person that can help you through this and I firmly believe he is still able to be there for you. I hope that helps.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Romina

    Hi Maeghan
    I can’t begin to imagine what you feel. But as a human being I feel for you deeply. So glad to know you have great support and even though it is not Ralf in presence you know he is there and will always be there as an angel watching over you and Mason. May God continue to guide and help you step by step, xoxo

    Like

  29. Anthony

    This quote is gold, thank you for it. “Being strong means acknowledging and allowing yourself to feel the way you do, but pushing forward anyway, one step at a time.”

    Liked by 2 people

  30. Julia

    I always find comfort in God’s word. What you are feeling is totally normal because there is a time for everything.

    Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
    A Time for Everything
    There is a special time for everything. There is a time for everything that happens under heaven. There is a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pick what is planted. There is a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up. There is a time to cry, and a time to laugh; a time to have sorrow, and a time to dance. There is a time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; a time to kiss, and a time to turn from kissing. There is a time to try to find, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away.
    There is a time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; a time to be quiet, and a time to speak. There is a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: