Along the Broken Road

The God That I Believe In

Yesterday I went with my in-laws to design Ralf’s tombstone. It was completely surreal. I couldn’t believe we were having conversations about what granite color he would have liked, what cross he would have chosen. I couldn’t help but feel like the whole thing shouldn’t have been happening, like we shouldn’t have had to be there. That I should have been at home with Ralf, watching him frustratedly yet ever so lovingly build our son’s crib, or bassinet, or Pack-n-Play. That Ralf should be around to complain about me stealing all his t-shirts because none of mine fit my humongous belly, or to ask “Again?!” when I get out of bed for the 18th time to pee in the middle of the night. We should be enjoying my last few weeks of pregnancy together, knowing that our married life will change soon, but that it will be worth it. Instead, the only person whose life has completely flipped upside down is mine. I’m still excited to meet our son, but I am honestly more terrified. Becoming a mom is scary enough to begin with, but the thought of having to learn to become a parent on my own without my partner is sometimes more than I can take. I went to bed with a very heavy heart. 

So many people keep telling me to remember that everything happens for a reason- that this is all part of God’s mysterious yet perfect plan. I do believe that God has a plan, but my interpretation may be slightly different from how others see it. I don’t – actually, I CAN’T believe in a God that would cause my 28-year-old husband of less than 4 years to die unexpectedly from a vicious  disease, all to teach me some valuable lesson about the fragility and brevity of life, or to make me a stronger person. Especially not while expecting our first child together. I refuse to believe in a God so cruel.

The God that I believe in is just as saddened and angry as I am about the unfairness of this entire situation. God did not cause this to happen. Just as God did not cause the recent earthquake in Nepal. These incidents were acts of nature, which has free will just as we human beings do. Does God know what’s going to happen before it happens? Yes. But it doesn’t mean he can stop these disasters or injustices from occurring. It’s difficult (perhaps impossible) for our human minds to comprehend. 

The God that I believe in brought Ralf into my life early so that I would have more time to love him, because he knew that his life would unfortunately be cut short. The God that I believe in spared Ralf of the agony he would have endured had he not suffered that hemorrhage during his final days. Had it not been for the bleed, he would have had the biopsy done, would have been obsessing for weeks about the results which would ultimately be heartbreaking, and then subsequently have to await surgery and watch his body deteriorate while living with the knowledge that he would die soon. Instead, he lost consciousness and went peacefully and without pain, never even knowing he went into surgery. Most importantly, the God that I believe in blessed me with the little life growing inside of me so that I could continue to have a piece of Ralf here on this earth even after his passing. 

A few weeks ago at mass, Father Bob Vallee said something that really struck me. He was talking about St. Thomas the Apostle, also known as Doubting Thomas, and he said that being a faithful follower of Christ does not mean one shouldn’t use his or her brain. A true Christian does not simply follow blindly – he knows what he believes and why he believes it.

So, yes, I do believe that “everything happens for a reason” but it’s important to understand that this philosophy is much more complicated and profound than it appears on the surface. 

29 comments

  1. What a testimony to Romans 8:28. You are blessed with rare wisdom, the kind that lights the way for others. Your bravery, strength, the vulnerability of your posts and your generosity in sharing this with us, even strangers like me… it is a priceless gift that unites us all in the struggles of life with a faith that serves to glorify Him–you are doing just that and I know that you know that He will be faithful in blessing you and your baby. I read the post about his birth, it is loaded with Love notes from God. I love the way He brings our loved ones to us in the details of our lives without them physically here. I know it is He who does that and it is also His doing that He sprinkles our path with light from transparent and brave souls like you. Prayers for your light to never be extinguished and praises to Him because I know He will continue to lift you as you and your little man soar on the wings of His love and in your husband’s beautiful legacy which lives on in all of you.

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  2. Sylvia Planas Tomaselli

    I want you to thank you for this post because it helped me teach my daughter a beautiful lesson. I was telling her that when her cousin was little she had a fever seizure. She told me how could she love God if he did that to her. I had recently read your post & I pulled it up & read it to her. Thank you for helping me show my daughter an example of how to look for the good God offers & not always the pain.

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  3. I think of you daily and came to visit your blog on Mother’s Day because you and Ralf are heavy on my mind. Thank you for this beautiful post/explanation. You describe what many of us cannot put into words. May God bless you and your much loved baby.

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  4. Amanda

    I’m at a complete loss for words. I apprecite you saying how you are the lucky one but I still feel for you. I wish for you nothing but peace and positivity. Mason is loved by so many already and has already met his daddy. Cry when you need to cry and laugh when you can. You are an amazing soul. Thank you for sharing this sensitive time in your life. I have no doubt that your journey will not only help others but it will also help you and baby Mason.

    You are in my thoughts many times a day!

    Huge hugs!

    Love & Light,
    Amanda Grisham Suarez

    Like

  5. Emma

    You are an inspiration to so many. Just reading your blog helps me to believe that God is by your side helping you get the strength and faith you will need to go on.!
    Stay strong my prayers are always with u and Baby Mason. God Bless you. 💞

    Like

  6. Maribel

    Maeghan you are an inspiration to everyone, your strength and your faith will help you through this difficult time. Mason has an amazing mommy!
    Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
    God is good….God bless.
    Maribel

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  7. olga

    MAEGHAN, You are an inspiration to others. Your strength has me in awe, but that comes from God. God Is Incredible And love you your son and Ralf..

    Like

  8. Esther Mcvoy

    Meaghan , your words are profound. Yes, we are human and must question things that we do not understand. You are wise to see the blessing of Ralph not having to suffer. While all of us send blessings and support, the truth is none of us can understand what you are going through . You continue to teach all of us what it means to be strong and never give up. God bless you! Esther

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  9. Maria Serralta-Valera

    Meaghan,
    You couldn’t have said it better. God bless you….you are one amazing, smart, and strong woman. You are absolutely right about our God. He made sure that Ralf didn’t suffer and that you have Mason to remind you every day of the love you both had for each other. I always pray for you and your little boy. As hard as it will be to be a single mom, you will see it’s even more rewarding. He will bring so much joy to your life….he will make it all better. Hang in there and keep the faith. Hugs

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  10. ani

    Maeghan, your God is my same awesome God. A God of compassion. I too, believe, that your Ralf was spared from the agony his prognosis offered. In my humble understanding of these unexplained occurrences, I can only say, Jesus I Trust In You. I believe Ralf’s passing and the circumstances of his passing will impact the world in a way that will save lives. I believe he will bring many to Christ through your words of love and wisdom. You are wise beyond your years. I believe Father Vallee was placed in your life, at a young age, because he would play an instrumental part in your healing. I believe that your son, Ralf’s son, will grow up to be an outstanding human being. I believe and claim in Jesus Name that you will rebuild your life one day and the Garcia family will be at your side always. I believe that not all prayers are answered because God’s plan will one day be revealed to us, maybe not in this lifetime, but it will one day be revealed and we will then understand. The mystery of our faith. Please know, your are in my daily devotions. God bless you beautiful Mommy.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Ivan

    – I believe in the same God.

    – ‘I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.’ ~Galileo~

    God bless 🙂

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  12. Envy0711

    These are simple powerful words. Thank you.

    Some prole don’t understand why I don’t I say “everything happens for a reason” but instead I focus un the love that person gave, the memories and how he will live in your heart and in your actions. Every time you teach your child something your husband will live in that moment; every time you share a memory or a story, he will be there.

    His legacy, his love, his actions, his story… He is in you and with you, and certainly with your child.

    Sending you positive energy in this moment of your life To you and your child.

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  13. Maria

    Meaghan you are an amazing, mature and a faithful Christian! You are going to be a wonderful, caring and very special mother. Mason is a blessing in your life and you in his!
    Praying that God guides you and Mason always!

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  14. This is one of the most damaging platitudes that well-meaning people say to those grieving. I have heard it a lot since the death of my son. I think people try to provide “clarity” in a situation in which there isn’t any. Or they try to make the griever feel better. One book that was very helpful for me was “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”. But you touched on a lot of what was said in the book.

    Thinking of you and your little one.

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  15. Maeghan, every time that I read one of your post my jaw drops, you have more faith and hope than hundred of us. I just recently learned that Ralf’s father is my cardiologist, I cried, now I see why Ralf was the way you described him, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree, his father is a very caring person. Continue with your journey, we are here to support you, even if we do not know you personally, there are many people praying for you and Mason and please write a book that contain all your post……………you have no idea how it will help other people going through similar situations like the one you are going through…………..you are an inspiration to many of us. Hugs………..and like I told you before, you are in my family’s prayers every day…….

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  16. Maeghan, every time that I read one of your post my jaw drops, you have more faith and hope than hundred of us. I just recently learned that Ralf’s father is my cardiologist, I cried, now I see why Ralf was the way you described him, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree, his father is a very caring person. Continue with your journey, we are here to support you, even if we do not know you personally, there are many people praying for you and Masson and please write a book that contain all your post……………you have no idea how it will help other people going through similar situations like the one you are going through…………..you are an inspiration to many of us. Hugs………..and like I told you before, you are in my family’s prayers every day…….

    Like

  17. Romina

    I agree… Things happen that are out of our control, and yes they truly change our lives and there is a void that will never be filled. God is good and he did leave you with a piece of Ralp to carry you through, motherhood is in deed a rough road and they certainly do not come with a manual of how to operate, but it is such a rewarding feeling, you both will be fine. Much love Meaghan ❤️

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  18. Gia

    We always seems to complain, fall into pieces, cry, and simply lose strength over the simplest things. You are teaching us all how strong our hearts really are. Your strength to be the best role model for Mason is beyond understanding, you are simply amazing. Inspiring. Thank you for this post… Have much reflecting to do today. You are in my prayers always. Xoxoxo

    Like

  19. Stephanie Magnan (Tamargo)

    Maeghan – this is amazing. For years, it frustrated me to hear those words that “everything happens for a reason” – I even went to speak to a priest about it to ensure that my understanding/interpretation of the meaning behind those words wasn’t what appeared on the surface. I love how you’ve interpreted that phrase in its true meaning, and how compelled you are to share that truth with the world.

    This is one of my favorite bible verses that’s gotten me through my share of tough times and I wanted to share with you, though I’m sure you know it well – Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

    It’s in times and moments like these that are out of our control and really don’t make sense, that we have to trust all the more. And you surely are doing just that.

    I also wanted to let you know that I offered a mass for Ralf last Friday at my church in Atlanta. Waiting for the mass card to arrive to send it to you.

    Sending my love, prayers and well wishes for you & your strength (and the baby!) from up north! 🙂

    Like

  20. Stephanie Magnan (Tamargo)

    Meghan – this is amazing. For years, it frustrated me to hear those words that “everything happens for a reason” – I even went to speak to a priest about it to ensure that my understanding/interpretation of the meaning behind those words wasn’t what appeared on the surface. I love how you’ve interpreted that phrase in its true meaning, and how compelled you are to share that truth with the world.

    This is one of my favorite bible verses that’s gotten me through my share of tough times and I wanted to share with you, though I’m sure you know it well – Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

    It’s in times and moments like these that are out of our control and really don’t make sense, that we have to trust all the more. And you surely are doing just that.

    I also wanted to let you know that I offered a mass for Ralf last Friday at my church in Atlanta. Waiting for the mass card to arrive to send it to you.

    Sending my love, prayers and well wishes for you & your strength (and the baby!) from up north! 🙂

    Like

  21. You just have me in awe with each post. I hope that writing them is as cathartic to you as it is to us. I am amazed by your wisdom and maturity at such a young age and you are an inspiration to us all.

    Like

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