Along the Broken Road

All the Days of My Life

This year marks the tenth anniversary of my high school graduation. If at age 18 someone had asked me to describe my ideal life ten years down the road from then, I would have said that I envisioned myself married to my best friend and soulmate, with a career that made me happy, and a baby on the way. Just a little over two months ago, I had that life and more. I felt so incredibly blessed and grateful. Then, the rug was pulled from under me and EVERYTHING changed. I could have never imagined that the word “widow” or the phrase “single mom” would describe my life at 28. 

The subject of eventually finding love and happiness again has come up a lot recently. I’ve had conversations with my parents, with my brothers (yes, they are “in-laws” but that’s just a technicality at this point), and Ralf’s best friend. They all agree that Ralf would want me to continue living life and to find a companion to love and care for me. I know they are right. I also know, however, that I’ll never be able to “move on”. To “move on” implies closing a chapter and beginning a new one. That is not something I would be able to, nor would I want to do. Ralf will never be just a chapter in my story. His loss will always be an open wound in my soul – not something that will heal or  turn into a scar with the passage of time. Hopefully, I’ll learn to live and work around the open wound. When Ralf and I got married, I vowed to love and honor him not until the end of HIS life, not until death did us part. I vowed to love and honor him all the days of MY life. And that is exactly what I intend to do. 

Now, that is not to say that I won’t move forward. I realize how young I am and how much life still lies ahead of me. I know my worth and that I have a lot to offer. It would be naive and unrealistic to say I’ll never love again and will spend the rest of my days a lonely widow. Ralf would hate to see me live that way. But any new man that comes into my life will have so many conditions to accept. He will have to be a man who understands that my situation is completely different from a divorce. That my husband did not opt out of our marriage, nor out of his role as father to our son. That Mason will always come first. That Ralf’s family is my family, and they will always be very much involved with my son and me. That Ralf’s name will be spoken on a daily basis because my son will always be encouraged to ask about his dad. That I will never drop the Garcia name because I think it’s important for me to have the same last name as my son. Most importantly, he will have to be a man who can live with the knowledge that while I love him dearly, I would not be with him if Ralf were still alive. It will take a very good hearted, emotionally secure, open minded man to fit that description. Can he possibly exist? If he does, then I believe Ralf will lead me to him when the time is right. 

Meanwhile, I do my best to move forward. I take baby steps everyday. Some days, my steps may be so small that they are almost imperceptible. But just by opening up my eyes in the morning and getting out of bed, I know I am moving forward. And I know that Ralf is proud of me. 


11 comments

  1. Marie Garcia

    We are all proud of you! I am glad you feel your in-laws love and plan on keeping them close. You will both gain from that relationship! Love, hugs and kisses, your teacher, Marie Garcia

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  2. Ivan

    – For starters, this is golden: “They all agree that Ralf would want me to continue living life and to find a companion to love and care for me. I know they are right. I also know, however, that I’ll never be able to “move on”. To “move on” implies closing a chapter and beginning a new one. That is not something I would be able to, nor would I want to do. Ralf will never be just a chapter in my story. His loss will always be an open wound in my soul – not something that will heal or turn into a scar with the passage of time. Hopefully, I’ll learn to live and work around the open wound. When Ralf and I got married, I vowed to love and honor him not until the end of HIS life, not until death did us part. I vowed to love and honor him all the days of MY life. And that is exactly what I intend to do.”

    – If I were Ralf’s close friend, brother, father (etc.), I would love you deeply for expressing his ‘value’ in this fashion. Needless to say, I agree with you & applaud you for your loyalty, commitment, and genuine adoration for all that he meant to you (and will continue to represent). God bless you for that! However, I would be remiss if I didn’t offer some unbias male perspective on the remaining paragraph (keyword: unbias). Before I do I just want to give you an idea about the source behind the perspective. I am married for a 2nd time (a 3rd marriage is not an option – getting to this point was hard enough – not doing it again). I have an adult son, basically, I can ‘mathematically’ be your father. So, you can say my ‘angle’ on this is purely parental. Anyway, here is what I humbly think about your ‘conditions.’

    – Please don’t forget that although you may never love someone like you ‘do’ Ralf, you will have to find a way to love just as ‘powerfully’. Because you are asking a lot of your future partner. He will have ginormous shoes to fill because he will have a lot of eyes on him. I guess the simplest way to understand the position this prospective person will occupy is to put yourself in his shoes. Can you imagine knowing that the woman/man you love will always be ‘head over heels’ for his/her deceased husband/wife? Can you imagine knowing that the woman/man you love is never going to ‘feel’ exactly the same love he/she once did? Can you imagine knowing that not only do you have to win ‘her’ heart and that of her family but also Ralf’s family (to a certain degree). That is a very steep mountain to climb Maeghan. Now, I’m not saying that man is not out there. Nor am I saying you (or anyone in your situation) is unworthy of such an emotional effort. All I’m saying is, if you are not going to love this man the ‘same’ you need to express your love just as profoundly (in different ways). You have to make him understand (in no uncertain terms) that even though he won’t ever be your original ‘Prince Charming’ he can still be your ‘Knight in shining armor’.

    – All the best. God bless, Ivan.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ivan, you correct. That is exactly why I acknowledge that finding love again will not be an “easy” task, for either myself nor this future man. Of course IF (and notice I say IF) there is a man out there willing to accept these conditions, then I will open my heart to him and love him genuinely and powerfully. As you said, just because my love for him will be different, it doesn’t mean it will be any less real or special. But there is no denying that it will be different. I think it would be unfair to both of us if I claimed otherwise.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ivan

        Maeghan, honesty is huge in any relationship, but never moreso than with a husband & wife. As a result, you already have the foundation for a mutually healthy (and rewarding) partnership. The fact you have expressed ‘exactly’ what you ‘need’ from a future partner gives you (and him) a running start. I can only speak for myself, but I always want to know ‘exactly’ where I stand with someone. No sugarcoating, no vague responses, give it to me straight. That said, you are an intelligent woman so you don’t need me to reiterate this, but I’ll repeat it anyway. Give your mind, body & soul some time to ‘recover.’ Because we are all constantly evolving, growing, adapting to our surroundings. Even though you may feel passionately about something now (big or small) that may change. Don’t judge yourself too harshly for changing your mind throughout this journey (about whatever). That doesn’t make you a bad person, it simply makes you human. Good luck with everything.

        God bless you & your son.

        Ivan

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  3. carrie

    You are in my prayers Maeghan. I do not know you but your story really touched me; thank you for sharing your heart through your blog. Best of luck to you and baby Mason.

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  4. As always…so profound. You really need to turn soaring through sorrow into a book of all these posts. They make me have chills every time I read them because they are so raw and eloquently written. XXOO

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Patti

    You are simply amazing! Your beliefs are the same beliefs that I have. I completely understand. You are such an inspiration! God Bless you and Beautiful Mason!

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  6. Maria

    This is yet another amazing blog… I love all the things you put as a condition that any new future guy will need to accept… I don’t know you but I can see how deeply in love you were and are with him. You never fail to amaze me with your strength!

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    • Emma

      Outstanding Maeghan I was once that woman who lost her love and it took me six years to find that man.
      My thoughts were like yours and my love lead me to that special someone . Yes Meaghan Ralf will lead you to someone very special for u and Mason. 🙏🏻
      My prayers for u and Mason.🌹

      Liked by 1 person

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