Along the Broken Road

A House is Not a Home 

It’s a little after 3:00 in the morning and I’m lying in this cold and empty bed alone. I can’t sleep.

After you passed, I thought I wanted to stay here in this house. I was convinced that it was home, that it was where I was supposed to be. It was the place that I wanted to bring Mason to because this is where you and I dreamed of raising our family. Little by little, as the time has passed, I’ve realized this house is not my home – YOU were my home. This is where WE were supposed to raise Mason TOGETHER. Without you, this is just like any other building.

You and I had so many conversations about so many different things over the years. We talked about what we wanted for each other should something ever happen to one of us. You always said you wanted me to live my life, to find my way to happiness again. For a while I was torn because we never talked about what we would do with this house. Stay in it forever? Sell it? Rent it out? Until one day recently when I had a huge “aha” moment- I guess you were there whispering some common sense into my ear, as you always did. I realized you would have wanted me to do whatever was easiest and felt right for me and for our son.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t continue to turn the key and be reminded of the first time we opened that front door after we closed on the house, or how frustrated you got installing those fancy new locks after we had it painted. I can’t walk in every night and look up and see that picture of us in front of the firetruck on our wedding day and remember how you surprised me and rang the doorbell and I opened to find you holding that huge frame that you couldn’t believe you spent so much money on. I can’t sit alone on the couch that you loved so much – the one I would often find you and Charlie napping on when I would come home from work on your days off (even though you were so adamant about “Charlie not being allowed on the furniture”). I can’t climb those stairs every day, lined with all the pictures of us on our wedding day with our families and closest friends, our faces painted with smiles filled with hope for a future that was taken from us. I can’t continue to get in this bed every night and be reminded of your final words to me the last time I saw you conscious – “I miss our bed”. I just can’t anymore.

As much as it hurts to say, the life you and I shared in this house is no more. You will live in my heart forever, but staying here will never change the fact that you are gone from this earth. Yes, packing up and leaving will be difficult, but nothing compared to what I’ve already lived through. I’ve finally realized this is another huge step necessary for moving forward. Sometimes, when it’s really quiet and I close my eyes, I can almost feel you nudging me and hear you telling me to keep going. I’m listening. I’m ready.

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This was Ralf opening the front door for the first time after we closed on the purchase of our home.

18 comments

  1. Isla Rose

    Maeghan,
    I want you to know that even though you don’t know me, I have been thinking of you and your dear son Mason.
    I hope God has lended you the strength to find beauty in life once again. I hope you continue to write about your experience as I am sure it has helped many people cope with their own loss. Writing is a wonderful way to heal the heart. You have been an inspiration to me and many others. God bless you, Mason and your family.

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  2. Maeghan,

    Even though we have never met I think of and pray for you often since your tragedy. I’m a paramedic from CA and felt the Lord has asked me to pray for you and Mason daily. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you and hope that as you move forward that the Lord lightens your grief and pain. I didn’t know Raphael but he sounds like an amazing man. I know he would want you and Mason to be happy and not feel the heaviness you feel when you walk into your house. He will forever love you and Mason. God bless you both!!

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  3. I first want to say you are one to be admired. You know what comes to mind is that image I saw once on FB it was you with your hand over Ralf’s coffin & you had an aura of Grace surrounding you!! I saw light!! I have no doubt that was Ralf’s spirit & love in you!!! He is in your heart wherever it goes!!! Many blessings to You & Mason!!! I wonder how much he is looking like his daddy. ❤️❤️❤️ #GODSPEED FOLLOW YOUR HEART

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  4. Maeghan I have been following your story since your husband went to heaven. My son went to medics school with him and always told me what a great person he was. His death was a big shock that left him so sad. He was at the funeral along with so many others. I was so happy at the birth of your mason on mother’s day. What a special gift.
    You are an example to everyone of courage, strength and love. You words although so sad inspire others to follow your lead. Leaving this house will be a step forward towards healing and Ralph will be right next to you the day you close that chapter and throughout the rest of your life and that of his son. Good luck and god bless you both and keep you safe. Looking forward to your words and pictures 🙏

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  5. Dana

    I have been following your blogs since the beginning. The love you shared with Ralf does not come along often. Cherish the love and time you had together. He will always be with you and Mason. Whatever decisions you make he will be right there with you 🙏

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  6. Cossette

    Hi, I have been following your blog since one ex student of mine posted on face (her husband was coworker of your beloved Ralph) and I have been so touched by your story. I read over and over all your blogs..I admire your strength and the way you cherish and treasure all your love. You have been blessed for such a love like that. Keep going on your own way doesnt mean you are giving up to your Ralph, on the contrary, it shows how deep and immense your heart is. Just do whatever you think is the best for your Mason and yourself..you are definitely a fighter!!! Blessings and all the best

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  7. So beautiful as always. Yes now is the time to do what YOU NEED TO DO. Locking the door for the last time will be very very difficult (I know from my own experience), but opening the door to your new home will be exhilarating! May you eventually find great peace in all of the wonderful memories. XXOO

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  8. Michele

    Maeghan,
    You need to do what feels right for you and your son. ❤️ Your husband will always be with you both no matter where you are. I have a friend that lost her daughter recently at age 18. Due to circumstances beyond her control, she has moved out of the home her daughter lived in with her. I can tell you, that she still feels her presence in her new home. Baby steps forward listening to your heart along the way. You are so strong. Praying for you and your son.
    Michele

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  9. maria

    I always enjoy your blogs. I really admire your strength and if I were in your shoes I don’t think I can handle it as well as you. Stay strong and so what feels best for you.

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  10. MICHELLE CRUZ

    This completely broke my heart. Do whatver is best for you and Baby Mason. May Jehovah continue blessing you and your family through these difficult moments.

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  11. Julia

    Moving on doesn’t mean you stop loving. Your love, your memories will always be with you no matter where you go. Stay strong. May God bless you and your son always.

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  12. Laura Orovio

    Home is where you hearth is. Ralph will follow wherever you go. No need to suffer and constantly be reminded of what was taken away. Prayers and good energy always going your way. Godspeed.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Maeghan ,
    I feel your pain like if it was my own . His light is with you helping you move forward.
    May the grace of God never leave you and Mason. He will always be with you no
    Matter what. Do what you need to do on this journey of life for Mason and yourself .
    God is with you . Its ok to look forward .
    Hugs

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  14. Christine

    This brought tears to my eyes. Listen to your heart and everything will slowly fall into place! He is guiding you every step of the way. We are here for you 💙

    Like

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