I was needing a therapeutic writing session today but couldn’t decide on a topic. So many thoughts on my mind and heart and I just couldn’t choose one. I started going through content from my original blogsite (soaringthroughsorrow) for some ideas. Since I deleted it, I’ve had a few people reach out to me requesting specific posts I had written – posts that resonated with them and that they actually remembered by title. I thought it might be a good idea to share some of those on my new site so that anyone who has been wanting to read them again could have access. While going through what I thought was all the material from my previous site, I realized that three of my favorite pieces were not there – a letter to Ralf about Mason’s birth, a letter to Mason about Ralf, and a post where I wrote about my views on God. I don’t have a clue how that happened. This discovery made me so sad and angry. Angry at myself for being impulsive and not making sure I saved everything correctly before deleting the site, especially those letters that I wanted Mason to read one day. I was so upset and on the verge of tears. Suddenly, I knew exactly what I needed to write about today.
Some days I feel empowered. I feel like I can accomplish anything and I feel proud of the woman I am after everything that I have endured. Other days, though, I feel like a failure. I feel like I am failing as a mom because I don’t spend enough time with Mason since I work full time. I beat myself up about the laundry pile being too high, the refrigerator not being fully stocked because I haven’t had time to make it to the grocery store, the sink being full of dirty dishes, the bed not being made in the morning…the list goes on. (Today, it was not saving important files to my hard drive.) On those days, I let the negativity take over and allow myself to stress the insignificant, when I know better. I forget that I am only human and that I am doing the best that I can.
It doesn’t matter if the bed isn’t made every morning – it matters that I make sure to kiss Vinnie goodbye before we both leave for work. It doesn’t matter that the hamper or the sink are overflowing – it matters that I take the time in the evening to lay down with Mason and read books to him and enjoy his snuggles. Laundry and dishes can wait. Even after losing Ralf as suddenly and unexpectedly as I did, after learning first hand that tomorrow is not promised, I still occasionally forget, as we all unfortunately do. My bathroom and toilet need scrubbing, but instead I am taking Mason to the playground to enjoy this beautiful morning. Years from now I won’t remember that the bathroom was dirty.
Stop being so hard on yourself. If you’re a mommy working full time because it’s currently the only choice you have – you are not failing. You are doing what you need to do for your family. Make the time that you do have with your children extra special – it’s about quality, not quantity. If you’re upset with yourself over a mistake you made, whether big or small, learn from it and then let it go. Forgive yourself. You can’t change the past, but you can try to do better in the future. I’ve learned from this mistake – I will be saving all my posts individually onto my hard drive! I have lots more to write about but the swings and slides are waiting for us…