Never Say Never

I’ve attempted to sit down and write multiple times over this past month, but on each occasion the words have eluded me. March is filled with many difficult memories and milestones. There has been so much on my mind and heart, many thoughts and tears that need to be “let out” to avoid allowing them to fester inside of me. But until this very moment, I guess I haven’t had the strength or the energy.

On the 24th, it will mark two years since Ralf passed away. I know it sounds totally cliché, but it really does feel like just yesterday and yet like a lifetime ago. So much has changed in two years- losing my husband, becoming a mom, returning to work full time to better provide for my baby, selling a home I thought I’d never leave – just to name a few. Sometimes when I have a moment to just sit and reflect on the changes I’ve endured over the course of twenty-four months, I wonder how I’ve managed to keep my sanity. If it hadn’t been me, if my life hadn’t completely veered off the path that it was expected to take and I were hearing about some other young wife and mom-to-be whose husband died unexpectedly, I know I’d be imagining myself as a total basket case. Yet here I am. No straight jacket. No room with padded walls. Not only still breathing and surviving, but managing to enjoy life.

We all think we know how we will react in certain situations. I know I myself am guilty of saying “I will never” too many times in my life, especially shortly after I lost Ralf.  The truth is that you don’t have a clue how you will respond, or exactly how you will feel, until you actually find yourself in those predicaments. I’ve since realized that I shouldn’t set unrealistic expectations for anyone, and that I must reserve my judgment on myself and on others because none of us really “know” what we are doing as we navigate through grief. I’m learning as I go, listening to my intuition with every big decision, and it’s working for me. I’ve learned that it’s okay not to have all the answers up front, AND it’s okay to sometimes change my mind along the way. The one truly certain and inevitable part of life IS change – circumstances, perspectives, people are continuously evolving.

My biggest “I will never” proclamation after Ralf died was when I vowed that no other man would ever be allowed to carry the title of “Dad” for Mason. His dad was in Heaven, plain and simple. I even remember writing a post about it, and a very wise man commented on it. I didn’t know him personally, but I believe his name was Ivan. He said he wanted to respectfully remind me that it would be okay to change my mind at any point, and that if that moment came, I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. Ivan was right. Mason did not choose to be brought into this world, much less without a father. He was robbed of the opportunity to meet Ralf, who I have no doubt would have done a damn good job at earning the title of “Dad” – anyone who knew him would agree. But Ralf is no longer here and he isn’t coming back, as difficult as that has been to accept. To have found a man not only deserving of the title, but also wholeheartedly yearning to step into that role is an absolute blessing. Knowing the type of unselfish person that Ralf was, I now realize that he would have wanted this opportunity for his son. Mason will always have his “Daddy in Heaven” (who he recognizes well in pictures) and now he is blessed to have a daddy on Earth, or “Dada” as he has chosen to call him all on his own.

As I deal with everything that March symbolizes for me, as I continue grieving the loss of a great love, I have new blessings that fill my heart with gratitude. I pray that I continue to allow my heart, which has a limitless capacity for love, to continue to heal, continue to forgive, continue to expand to accommodate yet more love. Anything is possible.


10 thoughts on “Never Say Never”

  1. Maeghan,

    I’ve followed your journey since the beginning. I’ve never commented before because I didn’t want to be another stranger saying thank you for your posts. To me, it almost felt cruel to thank you for your posts because your writings are because of the pain and journey you have been on and are still going through. But today, I will say thank you – thank you for being so honest in your writings and sharing. I can truly say I look forward to your posts because of how much resilience and hope you give to others; I commend you for it. As I read your post, I was listening to the song “Photograph” – by Ed Sheeran and as I read, I saw the beautiful picture of Mason and Vinnie – I started to cry of happiness for all three of you. As the song played, the lyrics truly stood out because it fit so perfectly with your post:

    “Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
    And it’s the only thing that I know
    I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of ya
    And it’s the only thing to take with us when we die

    We keep this love in a photograph
    We made these memories for ourselves
    Where our eyes are never closing
    Our hearts were never broken
    And time’s forever frozen, still.”

    So again, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are truly a vessel of love, hope and light for others.


  2. Life has a way of putting things in perspective for us…that famous poker hand that life deals us everyday that I would tell you, and your brother about as you were growing up…you either play the hand you are dealt, and move forward, or you fold, and walk away…unfortunately mom, and I had to make that call twice in our lives when we lost your sister Erica, and then your brother Peter-Michael…different pains than the one you deal with, but never the less a pain that scars your life everyday for the rest of your life…but we chose to play the hand we were dealt…move forward, and glad we did because when you play, and move forward, you sometimes win big, and we did…we were blessed by you, and your brother Brandon…your winnings are right in front of you…family you know you can count on no matter what, a good and decent man that loves little man, and you ( and he better or else LOL), and little man himself Mason…who thru the gift of the love you and Ralf once shared becan a true blessing…no bigger prize could have come your way…and we are blessed that we get to come along, and share the ride with you…Ralf the Daddy, and husband in heaven is smiling down every day….love you DAD.


  3. I am terrified of death of loved ones and i often have felt if i had to go through a loss i would end up in a psych ward. Your post has put things in perspective. Like my mom always says god gives you the strength to get through it even when you dont think its possible. You are an inspiration and i love reading your posts.


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