Three years ago tonight, Ralf and I shared our last meal in our home together. Spaghetti and meatballs from one of our favorite local Italian joints – Ferrari’s. I remember it well. I asked if he would be okay with this dish yet again – because it was a frequent craving throughout my pregnancy – and he agreed. We had it delivered and then we sat next to each other at our kitchen counter, like we so often did. Now […]
My husband is gone. Not gone like he stepped out to pick up some milk at the grocery store. Not gone like working the night shift. Not gone like on a fishing trip with his buddies. Not even gone like staying elsewhere for a while as we try to figure out whether our relationship is still worth fighting for. Gone like…gone…. To read full article, click here.
Ralf died just two days before our scheduled maternity photo shoot. It ended up being the day of his funeral instead of the day we were going to have our first family portraits taken. Those that know me well can tell you how much I love pictures. I always used to make elaborate collages of my favorite snapshots as a teenager, and still have more picture frames around my house than the average person. I think it’s amazing how a […]
You’d think that the worst part of becoming a widow is, well, the obvious: losing your husband. If and when you actually become one, though, you are forced to learn that the physical loss of the man you exchanged vows with is just the tip of the iceberg. All the really hard crap lies underneath the surface. I wish I could tell you that it can only get better from here, but I want you to hear the truth. I […]
I posted this picture on Instagram last night. It was taken by a friend on the night we celebrated turning 21 (our birthdays are just five days apart). The picture gained a lot of likes and comments, one of them being “true happiness” – and it made me realize that there was more to this picture that I wanted to share. First of all, if we look incredibly happy – one too many vodka cranberries may have had something to […]
We never met while you were here on this Earth, but I feel very connected to you. You were the love of the man who now holds my heart. Like him, I have suffered the loss of a great love of my life. I completely understand how he yearned for you, cried for you after you left – and how a part of him always will. I understand how even now he can be having a completely “normal” day and […]
It finally happened. I’d read about it in some widow groups that I’m a member of, but had never personally experienced it myself. I’ve even had the audacity to think to myself, “Wow, these women know some really insensitive people!” And now, I stand corrected… To read full post, click here.
I met Ralf just a few months before my 18th birthday. Even with as young as we were at the time, I knew very early on in our relationship that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We instantly shared a very special connection that was apparent to our family and closest friends. Alike in so many ways, to the point that some friends would jokingly say we were the “same person” – just in male […]
I am not, by any means, an expert on grief. I know that there are a lot of really knowledgeable mental health professionals out there who have years of education, research, and numerous publications on their list of credentials, who can provide you with all kinds of information and resources. I can only speak from my own personal experience. I can tell you what grief has looked like, and continues to look like for me. In the beginning, my grief was […]